yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
