wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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