There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize