my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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