I wish I could punch you in the face.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
