I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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