Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
