Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
