Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
