"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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