just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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