I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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