left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
