I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
