Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
