I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
