If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
