do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
