the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
