She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
