When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
