I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
