I will die if light touches me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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