Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
