My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
