Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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