He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
