Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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