pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
