If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
