Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
