Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
