i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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