don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
