I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
