Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize