I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
