I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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