so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
