I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
