Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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