Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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