We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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