Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
