You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
