The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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