im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
