I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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