Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
