Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
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Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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