OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
