I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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