Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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