omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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