Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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