You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize