Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
