He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
