Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
