every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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