i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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