textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
