i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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