I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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