just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
