Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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