I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
