Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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