I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
